Alaskan
I’m not even going to Alaska? You probably found a great rate, but definitely did not book direct. All told you’re just getting the best deal you can on a solid airline. It won’t blow your mind, but it won’t disappoint. Northern Lights not included.
Allegiant
Well, at least it’s not Spirit. You wanted to save a few bucks so you can spend them wherever you’re going. You just really need to get to your destination at the best price possible and are willing to sacrifice a bit to do so. You don’t expect the red carpet--or even a complimentary beverage. Just close your eyes. You’ll be there soon.
American
There are many things to say about American. They used to be ol reliable. Now, you’re not quite sure why you keep coming back. They’re like that ex that wasn’t ever mean to you, but wasn’t really nice either. Simply, there was no other option available. You expect baseless delays and a lackluster experience.
Delta
Those biscotti cookies, though. Sure they’ll have screwups occasionally, but no one is perfect. They’re transparent about whatever hiccups you might encounter. They might be a little pricier, but it’s well worth the expense. You know you’ll have a stress free experience throughout your flight.
Frontier
You’re charged a fee just for saying the word Frontier. I’m being charged a fee just to write this. You’re charged a fee again when your flight is delayed. If you actually make the flight, your back will never be the same after enduring their seats.
Hawaiian
See you later, losers. There’s only one destination you’re heading to. You’ve set your out of office message with a humble brag that you’ll be on island time. This calls for daiquiris on daiquiris on daiquiris.
Jet Blue
The embodiment of ballin’ on a budget. You won’t find them on every route, but when you do you’ll be pleasantly surprised. They’ll take care of you and give you all the perks rather than nickel and dime you. Good on you, Jet Blue. You go Jet Blue.
Southwest
This company actually likes their customers. You’re not just seen as a fare. It’s all good, you’re all good, we’re all good. You know you’re going to giggle when the flight attendant gives a tongue in cheek safety briefing. You’re not dinged for being a normal human being and checking a bag. Plus, check-in early and get a window seat? Done.
United
Your favorite ice cream is Breyer’s vanilla bean. You didn’t seek out United as your carrier of choice. It was the only option available. You’re in for a remarkably unremarkable experience. Halfway through the flight, you actually forget which airline you’re on.
Spirit
You like to live on the edge. But how did you end up here? Your first realization you made a mistake was when printing your boarding pass at the airport cost you $10. When you tried to call the customer service line, they charged you $5 per minute. Your flight is more akin to a school bus rocketing through the air at 400+ MPH. It’s cheap, it’s late, and it’s guaranteed to be a headache--tequila or Spirit?
